I stare at the cards in front of me—78 of them, to be exact. Each one is adorned with bold, colorful illustrations, along with a single word. Words like mindfulness, generosity, compassion, and order. Each of these signify a value — a belief or principle that we believe is important to guiding the way that we live and work. Everyone’s values are different – there are no right answers, no set that is better than the others. Just different ways to live intentional and content lives.

Living in a way that is aligned with our values allows us to live life more freely and intentionally. I planned to sort through these cards to reach the top 10 values that are most important to me. There are no wrong answers, though it feels otherwise as I sort some—grimacing—into my Doesn’t Matter to Me pile. How do I reach a set of values that feel like “me”? What will it look like? While these cards don’t tell me a fortune, they may help me decide what I do and don’t want to pursue in my day-to-day and long-term goals. What will it mean for how I want to grow? What will it mean for my future? There’s only one way to find out.

I shuffle the deck.

1.  Passion: to have the desire and internal drive to obtain a specific goal, dream, or lifestyle

The values sorting process is not always a simple one, but there were certain cards that I found floated straight to the top of my pile. Passion was one of those values. I am driven by my passion, and it is what makes each day feel new and exciting for me. It’s the reason why, more often than not, I am happy when I wake up and happy when I go to bed. Passion sets my goals, breathes life into my dreams, and leads me to wish on stars, even if I know that I don’t need magic to make some of those wishes come true.

To some people, passion looks like hobbies. Knitting, writing, reading, birding, kayaking. I don’t disagree, but to me these things are so much more than a simple activity. They are things I spend my waking hours dreaming about and planning until I can finally get back to them. They center my spirit and calm my nerves. When I practice these activities, I feel grounded in myself and my surroundings, as though I’ve taken a step back in a busy world and looked around to see what is really happening. I do not think it is a coincidence that since moving to Madison—since finding so much joy in activities such as birding, knitting, and writing—my day-to-day anxiety has nearly disappeared (sure, therapy and a lot of inner reflection and work have helped, too). But there is something truly magical about the power that these meditative activities can have on your being. There’s even research to support it.

Flow: a few moments in time when you are so completely absorbed by an activity that nothing else seems to matter. The effects of flow are similar to those of meditation, says occupational therapist Victoria Schindler. Science has shown meditation can, among other things, reduce stress and fight inflammation. Our bodies are in a constant state of stress because our brain can’t tell the difference between an upcoming meeting with the boss and an upcoming bear attack, Schindler says. The repetitive motions of knitting, for example, activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which quiets that “fight or flight” response.

Passion also led me to create one of the biggest projects I have ever taken on, a 12 x 16-inch cross stitch as a Christmas present for my parents. It is impossible for me to estimate the total time I spent huddled in focus over the evolving pattern, but a younger version of myself never would have had the determination, motivation, or patience to complete such a large project at all, let alone in such a short time frame. For that reason alone, it is one of the proudest accomplishments of my life.

2.  Social connection: to prioritize close and ongoing relationships with other people.

My life would have significantly less joy, laughter, and significance without my community. Marco Polo video messages, video chats, phone calls, text messages, cards and letters and care packages, real-life hugs and snuggles—these are the things that make my life feel full. My heart soars after a mug of tea and game of cribbage, a cup of coffee and reflection on work and life, a glass of wine and a heart to heart. To me, social connection means deepening my relationships in a meaningful, genuine, and supportive way.

Moving back to the Midwest from Alaska has allowed me to reconnect with friends and family I’d only been seeing every few years. In 2023, I prioritized social connection more than anything else. I made multiple trips to St. Paul & Duluth, Minnesota and Fargo, North Dakota to see our local friends and family, then Sequoia National Park and Fresno, California to see our distant friends and family. I was even lucky enough to have some special folks come to me—Sarah from Alaska, Adam from Minnesota, and my sister-in-law and nieces and nephews from California. My Madison community sits at the heart of my social life, and I was lucky enough to spend time with them, too.

3. Love: to treat others with closeness, warmth, and affection

Something I’ve thought about extensively this year is the many forms that love takes, and how it is never depleted no matter how many new and wonderful people we continue to meet and love.

In January, John & I completed the Gottman’s 2-day Art and Science of Love workshop. While we were in a good place when we attended, we were excited and open to learning new ways to deepen and improve our love. We expected results, yet were still astounded at how much closer those two days brought us. So far this year, our wedding planning has been smooth sailing, and we managed to knock out the biggest items before fall even set in.

While getting engaged is exciting in and of itself, it’s just one part of my life story (sorry, John!). This year I gained a deeper understanding of what it means to show love as an aunt, a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, friend, coworker, and dog owner.

Rupi Kaur’s poem has been sitting on my desk all year, and it has become some of the most important guiding words I use to live my life:

most importantly love
like it’s the only thing you know how
at the end of the day all this
means nothing
this page
where you’re sitting
your degree
your job
the money
nothing even matters
except love and human connection
who you loved
and how deeply you loved them
how you touched the people around you
and how much you gave them

This poem also hits at the crux of my ever-lingering fault—comparison. In a world bombarded with social media, it’s far too easy to compare more than my degree, job, and money to others around me, whether I know them or not. I have found that focusing on love (and gratitude, see below) is the best thing I can do for myself to stay happy and present.

4. Gratitude: to give heartfelt thanks and appreciation regularly and openly

Ahem. *See comparison note above.*

In all seriousness, gratitude does have a way of rooting myself in my own life and what I’m happy about—which is most things, I’m a lucky and privileged person! It’s only when I start to compare what I have against others that the sneaky snake of unhappiness begins to slither its way into my thoughts. All it takes is one perfectly framed Instagram photo, a new vacation/house/car announcement, or a well-placed ad for me to start feeling like what I have isn’t enough.

Yet in most moments, I’m incredibly grateful for all that I have in life, and there are even some days where I feel content with everything: my cute & cozy apartment, sassy dog, supportive partner (even when we do drive each other up the wall), friends both near and far, family, supplies and gear to enjoy my hobbies, and a little extra money to save and travel. In addition to recognizing these things, I do my best to let the people in my life know that I am grateful for them.

Listing what you’re grateful for is a pretty powerful thing—I practice it often—and it’s a good way to fight back against the mindset that we always need more, more, more.

5. Adventure: to participate in exciting or stimulating experiences or undertakings

Kayaking on Lake Superior for the first time. A candlelit ski in northern Wisconsin with one of my best friends. Witnessing sandhill cranes land on the wide sandbars of the Platte River, Nebraska after sunset. Electric scootering 7 miles through downtown Minneapolis on a hot summer evening. Camping near the crashing waves of Lake Michigan. Two concerts,  The Lion King on Broadway, a house in the Keweenaw Peninsula that looked over the great waves and another that looked towards the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains in California.

A sense of adventure is what makes each new day exciting to me. Sure, there are National Geographic explorers, even “everyday” folks who are summiting mountains, biking across the country, or canoeing a thousand miles, but we don’t need to accomplish any of those things to be an adventurer, or an explorer. Some of my favorite adventures are the small ones that get me through the day: checking out a new coffee shop, going for a bike ride, hammocking in the yard with Sylvie, or chasing a rare bird.

I’ve even learned to revel in my trips to Minnesota when I don’t have the time or the budget to fly somewhere farther. All in all, I will have spent 11 weeks away from Madison this year, and 5 of those were away from John, too. I am grateful to have a job that allows me to work remotely so I can spend more time with family and friends who are not living in Madison (hello, social connection value).

Though it’s been nearly 4 years since the start of the pandemic, many of us are still mentally or physically recovering. I joke with my friends that I was so depressed to have nothing on my calendar in 2020 and 2021, that I am still in a constant state of planning to ensure I am making the most of my time. At the very least, I hope to be remembered as a person that lived life to the fullest.

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After completing my values sort, I was happy to realize that I am already doing a darn good job living a life aligned with my values, and I wondered to myself if that could be part of the reason I feel very centered and grounded day-to-day. Even still, there is always room for growth, and I can’t wait to see how my future unfolds with values like passion, social connection, love, gratitude, and adventure steering me forward.

I am eager for all that I have planned for 2024—and I won’t only remember it as the year I got married. For the first time in years, I have a clearer vision of what I want for my future. There is so much that I yearn for and hope for (no spoilers here yet), and I can feel it all sitting in my heart like a warm, glowing ember. I plan to hold it close as I strive to go confidently in the direction of my dreams, to live the life I have imagined.

You can get The Live Your Values Deck by Lisa Congdon and Andrea Niculescu here.